My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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