i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
