watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
