he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
