I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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