sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize