tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hippo gnu deer
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
