Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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