there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
