Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
