I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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