I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
