I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
