There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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