My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
