Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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