dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
