Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
