The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
