What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
