Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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