Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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