I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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