what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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