Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
