I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
