im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
