I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
