apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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