shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
