I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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