I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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