my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
