what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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