I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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