Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My Sexting was not on an AP level
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize