I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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