You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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