I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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