you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
