I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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