if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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