awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
