Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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