I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
