Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
