Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(518): View more from New York

He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30641 1939
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(361): View more from Texas

Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one

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(805): View more from California

It's like a toaster oven for my penis

Fav 7 1177 738
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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.

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