Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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