i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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