Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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