i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
