I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
