you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
