I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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