Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
