I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize