I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
