If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
