He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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