Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
