Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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