the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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