Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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