they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
