So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
