I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
